It's the "what ifs" that kill you

Today, November 23, 2018 is/would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary under normal circumstances. And part of me does say...I should be in California with him. What if I could tell him/explain to him what isn't working. Would he finally change? The cold truth is that no, he would not...not after 8 years of being off and on. 

 To which my Mother replies: "It's the what ifs that kill you..." 

 There are no answers to "what ifs" ... what if my Dad's employee arrived home early...would her son be alive? Her son killed himself three years ago. 

 What if a father told his son that he couldn't go out ...would his son have been alive today? His son died in a car accident. 

 What if ... the man that I had given my whole heart to could work on his anger/control issues...would we still have a chance? The truth is I gave him many chances. I am shifting from living in the "what ifs" to living in "what is" ... and it's a hard shift. 

 What is...is the reality that there was always anger, shame, blame, and excuses. What is...is that there never was a decision on his part to correct the behavior. That is what is.

 What is also is that I made choices to be in this relationship regardless of his behavior. I chose to leave a graduate program overseas to stay in the relationship. I chose to come back (repeatedly) to the relationship holding out home that it would be different. That is also "what is."

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