Walking Through The Rose Bush

My heart still aches...it's a soft ache. It's one that accepts that there might not be a "next time" in terms of this relationship. These flash points are why I ended up leaving and choosing to stay in SC (for now at least). I left because: I can only tolerate being told "Fuck you" or "Fuck off" only so much by one who supposedly professes to love me. There is never any repair when their is a wrong that occurs. In other words, when he shoved the table one time and the dishes came crashing down...his "apology" was that he was "sorry" and that he was so angry he could have gone after me and chose the table. Gee, thanks... I shouldn't have to feel a sigh of relief when we avoid conflict...or carefully choose how to plan my words to avoid an explosion. I should not have to be lectured at or talked down to on a regular basis he demanded apologies from me without really giving or repairing his own behavior... we fought ov...

Today, November 23, 2018 is/would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary under normal circumstances. And part of me does say...I should be  in California with him. What if I could tell him/explain to him what isn't working. Would he finally change ? The cold truth is that no, he would not...not after 8 years of being off and on.  To which my Mother replies: "It's the what ifs that kill you..."  There are no answers to "what ifs" ... what if my Dad's employee arrived home early...would her son be alive? Her son killed himself three years ago.  What if a father told his son that he couldn't go out ...would his son have been alive today? His son died in a car accident.  What if ... the man that I had given my whole heart to could work on his anger/control issues...would we still have a chance? The truth is I gave him many chances. I am shifting from living in the "what ifs" to living in "what is" ... and it's a hard shift. ...

Emotional abuse doesn't happen over night. ..and it doesn't happen in a vacuum. However, once you are locked in the pattern it feels as if you are in a vacuum with no escape. Many people use the frog in the boiling pot metaphor to describe emotional abuse. A lot of frogs do die; however, some frogs escape before the lid comes down on them and all life gets sucked out of them.  I met Mr. X back in 2007. I was in my early 20s. I had anxiety and low self-esteem. Where and how I had low self-esteem...I'm not quite sure. I met X at a Zen Center in Los Angeles. We hung out with a group of mutual friends and eventually, he called me and asked me on a date.  He was so nervous that his voice trembled. I thought to myself "why is he so nervous to ask me out on a date?" I'm just me. I felt special with X...and yet I was nervous. Within two weeks of dating he said he was "sure that I was the one." Faint alarm bells sounded in my mind, but the desire to ...

The purpose of this blog is to share my journey with friends, family, and those who either are on or may be traveling down a very similar journey to which I am currently on. It's a difficult and sad journey. For me, it's a little easier because I was able to return to my family. I don't have children...and I don't give a damn about other people's judgement . Friends, I was in the rose bush. I was in the thorny part of the rose bush. As a matter of fact, I left the rose bush and then went back...and got some deeper emotional wounds along the way. However, as I am leaving the rose bush...I still see the thorns but know that I am closer to the rose - closer to the sunlight...just a bit closer to freedom. I was in and out of an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 8 years. I didn't want to acknowledge that it was emotionally abusive...and it took a very long time to come to this point.  I couldn't see the one that I loved as being emotionally abusiv...