It didn't happen overnight..

Emotional abuse doesn't happen over night...and it doesn't happen in a vacuum. However, once you are locked in the pattern it feels as if you are in a vacuum with no escape. Many people use the frog in the boiling pot metaphor to describe emotional abuse. A lot of frogs do die; however, some frogs escape before the lid comes down on them and all life gets sucked out of them. 

I met Mr. X back in 2007. I was in my early 20s. I had anxiety and low self-esteem. Where and how I had low self-esteem...I'm not quite sure. I met X at a Zen Center in Los Angeles. We hung out with a group of mutual friends and eventually, he called me and asked me on a date. 

He was so nervous that his voice trembled. I thought to myself "why is he so nervous to ask me out on a date?" I'm just me. I felt special with X...and yet I was nervous. Within two weeks of dating he said he was "sure that I was the one." Faint alarm bells sounded in my mind, but the desire to be needed and wanted was stronger. We were off and on from the start and I couldn't tell you why...except that there was some sort of chemistry there...

We both moved to separate cities on the east coast. The man who was "sure he was going to marry me" dumped me a month later. I was headed to NYC and happened to get an email from him describing some events that had happened to him. These events really were tragic and I wanted to reach out...but I didn't at that time. And I didn't talk to him for about 18 months until his football team won the Super Bowl. 

X was a great comfort to me when I was going through a severe depression. I felt like he understood me when no one else would or could. I felt close to X. I wanted to be with X and try to actually be in a relationship with him...so I moved far away from my family and friends. I made that choice. I felt so misunderstood by my immediate family that I thought that X would be better. I honestly believed that someone finally saw me...for me. Living off of my savings, I waited to see if I got into a graduate program abroad. I had a dream to live in Argentina and maybe get involved in international development. X was vaguely supportive. I got down there and with Skype calls...X talked all about himself and how he needed me and missed me. Again, the tug to be wanted and needed outweighed the desire to get an education. I knew with X's temperament that he wouldn't thrive in a non-English speaking environment. A few months later...back with X we had a fight. He quipped: "Well, I didn't expect you back so soon." 

I couldn't see X's how self-centered he was during this time...it was all about him. I was all about him and not about myself. So who was for me? No one. Not even me. 

Eventually, we decided to get married. We chose groundhog day...2/2/2012 as our wedding date.  He refused to get additional work than his job at the local university as a dance accompanist (in layman's terms this is the musician that plays music for dancers). What I didn't realize is that X was somewhat financially supported by his parents...and this created much friction in the relationship. He stressed their "agreement that he could have his inheritance early." The lack of financial support took its toll on me and we fought. We fought a lot. The first marriage - yes, you heard that right...first marriage lasted about 6 - 8 months. I'm special ok..really, seriously like special bus special....but I am also like ...long-suffering ...believe in the best for everyone special. I honestly believe that if we worked on this area...things would be ok and we would work out. If that's the problem...then everything else should be fine...right? Wrong. Dead wrong.